We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
