i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
