I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
