You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We left an ass print on the piano.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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