I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
