I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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