We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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