im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
