my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
