i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize