so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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