I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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