remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
