hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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