did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
