i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
