I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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