your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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