Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
