ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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