This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just pee around me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
