I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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