Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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