I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
