It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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