I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
