i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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