I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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