I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
God I need to hump something, right now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize