Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize