My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
