we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
