Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize