My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
you traded sex for a burrito?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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