Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
