Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
