Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I could fuck to npr.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
