I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
