we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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