I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
