You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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