then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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