so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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