i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
