I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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