I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize