just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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