When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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