Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i am craving dick and cupcakes
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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