my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
