meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
