please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
