my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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