i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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