finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
