3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I sprained my soul last night
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
