The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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