I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she pinky promised me she was 18
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize