You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
