Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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