I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
