Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
