he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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