She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My butt remains clenched, sir.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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