I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
